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[Translated] It is complicated to get help when the parent who needs it is living abroad (France) and it is impossible for him/her to live alone. Because no retirement home can be found for him/her, the only solution is to take him/her at home (in another country of the European Union)

For the past ten years, I have been providing care to my mother with dementia and complex care needs whilst at the same time raising two children alone following the break-up of my marriage due to domestic abuse, and trying to combine this with work. I am exhausted and feel completely burnt out. Caring has negatively impacted on my work and career and affected my family life. My mother has recently moved to a small scale nursing home where she is so happy and so well looked after. There is huge pressure on families to continue to look after people with highly complex care needs and I question that. There are too few small scale nursing homes in Ireland.

[translated] I would gladly take care of my family members if there were not serious issues that put a big barrier between me and them. It’s easy to place the responsibility on the shoulders of family members when one needs support, but no one considers that the one who is supposed to be the caregiver may be rejected from this role. It is a particular situation, but unfortunately not unique.

[translate] I hope your study can contribute to helping older people in need of care.

[translated] This issue [of long-term care] needs to be discussed and prioritised by the state, because the population is ageing, children are going abroad and local structures for [supporting older people] need to be improved and a concrete annual budget established. We will all reach an age when we need help.

[translated] Well, I hope that caregivers get a protected or priority status – I mean at work and as workers, everyone needs us, our attention, and to some extent it feels like we are omnipotent and can care for others, care for ourselves and sometimes, care for our parents. That is wrong.

[Translated] I care for my husband after a stroke and brain hemorrhage, which means he needs me around the clock. I would like to have a paid time off of one week once a year and my husband is well taken care of and does not feel “deported”. After all, by taking care of him, I save the state a lot of money!

[Translated] I was my husband’s caregiver for 7 years. He passed away from a rare and orphaned neurodegenerative disease (PSP). When the diagnosis was announced, we felt abandoned. Then it was very difficult to find quality help even if we paid. I retired 2 years before the legal age to continue to help him. Our last and most terrible test was to have his advance directives respected. He could no longer swallow, so he could not eat or drink. He refused the gastrostomy and wanted deep sedation. I had to fight again and again to have his wishes respected. So abandoned from beginning to end!

[…] When Covid came along it destroyed very important connections that enable older people in nursing homes to keep going & stay connected, to keep hope alive – the deterioration in my Mother in just 18 months was, & still is, devastating & resulted in her recent death. All those months we were unable to be by her side & keep her going, instead she wasted away as she was unable to comprehend what was going on with Covid, yet she was aware enough to know we were no longer with her. Looking through a window trying to communicate love & care to someone with dementia & who is very confused about why you wouldn’t come inside was one of the cruelest experiences. It was terrible to witness just how much our older people are let down by lack of creative, adequate, & in my opinion humane, care options because even in times of desperation when I considered taking my Mother out of the nursing home to live with me the pain of knowing that was not possible was very heavy as I knew the reality of what it had been like 4 years previously trying to care for her – lack of adequate home help, lack of adequate services – & now along now with significantly increased care needs it would have been a recipe for crisis. I became very unwell physically when I’d been involved in her care prior to her going to live in the nursing home.”

“It’s very difficult to take care of elderly. It causes a lot of stress with effects on health. Wished for some more support structures. Needs have to be assessed often as they can change frequently.”